My miniature schnauzer, Suki, has all the attributes of a food critic. She may look cute, but despite her fluffy exterior she can deliver the chilling gaze of Grace Dent, the sarcasm of Jay Rayner, and a bark that could make even Gordon Ramsay seem like a teddy bear.
The
only problem is that Suki cannot critique food. And not just because she
is a dog, but because she eats anything and everything without discernment
– whether that's cake crumbs on a cafe floor, or a half-eaten
baguette discovered while scavenging out on a walk.
Flavour,
technique and presentation are simply superfluous to Suki. As long as a dish is
vaguely edible, it will be wolfed down faster than Gregg Wallace can
shout "delightful". If my dog was given power over the Michelin
Guide, she would be handing out stars with every wag of her tail, from Alain
Ducasse to KFC.
Yet with Suki's 12th birthday on the horizon, I decided to treat her to
a special dining adventure to find out whether she may, in
fact, have the makings of a gourmand. We are eating out in the
capital, and instead of being left at the door, Suki is the guest of honour.
Our first reservation is brunch at M Victoria, a chic
steakhouse popular for after-work drinks, business lunches and romantic
dates. But it's also the ultimate hotspot to take that other someone special:
in addition to monthly "cook for your dog" masterclasses, run by
executive chef Michael Reid, the restaurant hosts a six-legged brunch on
Saturdays. Since becoming fido-friendly, M has hosted numerous canine
get-togethers, such as a four-legged disco, a pooch pool party, and most
recently a Valentine's Day-themed Love Island affair.
Dining companions at M Restaurant in London Credit: M Restaurant
Despite her unrefined palate, there is one dining
foible my dog cannot abide and that is tardy service. If her
meal is served a fraction later than expected, she announces it to the
household with an unabating yap and throws her bed across the room. Thankfully, there
are no such diva strops today. The waiter makes a fuss of Suki, fetching a
bowl of water and an amuse bouche treat, and the food soon arrives.
As I tuck into chicken livers on sourdough, Suki makes short work of black pudding
granola: impressive given her lack of front teeth.
My second course is a hotchpotch of American fare: buttermilk-fried
chicken waffles, eggs, and peanut-butter ice cream. It shouldn't work, but my
goodness it tastes delicious. Suki, meanwhile, receives a bowl of bone marrow
risotto, which in her haste, she manages to get stuck all over her beard. This
must be the finest meal she's ever had.
It's time for a lazy stroll through St James's Park, before heading
to our second appointment: afternoon tea at Sketch.
Mayfair's eclectic multi-function Georgian townhouse – part gallery, part
brasserie, part fancy fine-dining restaurant with Lewis Caroll-inspired
fixtures and famous dinosaur-egg loos – does not have a menu
specifically for dogs, but canine visitors are welcome to hang out in The
Parlour until 5pm. As the waiter guides us to our table, weaving in
between old-fashioned tea trolleys, I grip Suki's lead a little
tighter. Forget bulls in china shops: schnauzers can be even more
destructive. To my relief, she neither hares off after the patisserie, nor
squats on the varnished floorboards.
Charlotte, right, and her miniature schnauzer, Suki, with their hostess
at Sketch
The Parlour has a Mad-Hatterish feel (our seats sport ballet shoes
en pointe), and Suki seems a little befuddled by her surroundings.
With my pot of peppermint tea I order dainty finger sandwiches and
petit fours. Suki gobbles up a few titbits appreciatively, and the
service gets a paws up from both of us. Our hostess gives her more
attention than she has received in a very long time, and a charismatic
waiter treats her like royalty, keeping us well entertained and hydrated. Yet
as we spill out onto Conduit, Suki is beginning to flag – it's hard work
eating for a living.
We have one more appointment: Smith &
Whistle, a bar tastefully designed to resemble a 1920s
detective agency, with notebook-style menus, bowler hats and umbrellas –
and a very generous dog-friendly policy. Of course, countless pubs allow
canine drinkers. But if you fancy somewhere with a little more atmosphere
and tequila, you may be searching in vain. At Smith & Whistle, however, alongside
craft beers, wines and adventurous cocktails, the mixologists serve
up London's first ever "dogtail" menu.
There's a Poochie Colada (coconut water, kale and broccoli, to help
keep "coats glossy and joints healthy"), Hound's Hops (a dog
"beer"), and Bubbly Bow Wow (a "pawsecco" herbal
infusion – yes, really). It takes me longer choosing Suki's cocktail than my
own; I can't quite picture her downing pints or gin. So she gets the
Bubbly Bow Wow, which comes in a bowl topped with liquidised blueberries.
She laps it up noisily.